Hello my name is mickimichele and I am your host for this months munch/mixer. 

 For all of you in the lifestyle I am sure you have attended at least one brunch, munch or mixer.  SIR and I were asked a few months ago to become board members of a local group and we happily accepted. One of the things we gladly volunteered to do was host the monthly brunch and to give the people who had been hosting it a break.   Our first brunch was held in February…and to say it was a dismal failure was an understatement…in my opinion.  I was expecting (wrongly) that the person who usually hosted the brunch to continue coming up with the topic and moderating the brunch. (I would gladly host it at our home, and provide brunch!)  Someone else on the board came up with a topic…and while it sounded like a good topic, it was not something I had much knowledge of, and was really expecting to hear what others had to say… so that I could at least put my two cents worth in.  Anyway…not one person wanted to say anything.  It was strange and un-nerving because we know most of the people there, at least on a speaking basis.  To say I was unprepared to moderate the topic does not even begin to cover my inadeqecy.  (To boot the person who had suggested the topic as it was posted on our local BDSM board, did NOT make it to the brunch.)

 SOOOOOOOO……that leaves me in my current state which is frantic for a topic for this month as I do not want a repeat of Februarys fiasco. (Brunch is this SUNDAY!!) Our brunch for March was a very laid back affair with just 3 others besides SIR and myself, and with all that had happened last month (see last post) I was not too worried about not having a topic it was nice having the 3 who did show up and we spoke of different BDSM things.  I have already had enough RSVP’s that it will be a decent size group this month I think, and I want it to go well.  I am asking for suggestions for a topic.  Or suggestions for something that would interest you, if you were to attend the brunch.  This group is open to all who are interested in the lifestyle, its not just for Switches, Doms, Masters, slaves, and subs.  So if someone is interested in the lifestyle, they can attend, and learn more.  So with those parameters, does anyone have any ideas? Want to share? Please feel free to comment or e-mail me if you would like or if you would rather me not post your reply/comment, but would like to make a suggestion…please feel free.  I welcome all comments.  (Yes I know its hypothetical to think that you guys would come to my brunch… but if you were in the same town…you might!!)

To think, I thought it was as simple as providing a place to have the meeting, and feeding everyone….that would be a piece of cake!  The topic thing keeps throwing me….me of all people.  It just baffles me. 

Some days I still feel like a true newbie at all this.  HELP!!

Topics anyone…suggestions for me?

To all of you who have written in because you were concerned because I had not blogged in a while…thank you.  All is well NOW. 

 I wondered how much of an explanation to share and how much to hold back.  In March sortly after my last post I took on some huge challenges from my boss with regards to another company he owns in addition to the two I already take care of, so my time was majorly limited for blogging, and in the middle of all of that, my dear friend had a MAJOR family crisis.  The senario…sitting with my dear friends oldest daughter, helping her get things ready for the next days business since mom and dad are not there to do it, and she’s taken on the responsibility of getting things done to help them. (They were at the hospital.) So SIR and I are there helping their daughter, my dear friend returns and the 4 of us are working to get things finished (her husband was still at the hospital)…and the doorbell rings at midnight.  I am tired enough that I think NOTHING of it…. not that it is midnight, who on earth is rining their doorbell….I am just concentrating on working on the computer.  Then I hear MY DAUGHTER.  Hysterical…. she could not find us, (I had walked to my friends house when I found out what was going on and left my car, purse with cell phone and everything else at home, and SIR drove over after he found out I was there and was helping as well.)

So she is hysterical…then I hear the words….Knife…stabbed, bleeding to death…surgery…and her brothers name….. I remember looking over at my friend, and thinking to myself….has the world come to an end tonight….what else possibly could happen. Is this really happening???

 We bundle everything else up, and head to the hospital…I am torn because as much as I want to help my friend, my oldest child is now my first priority.  He has a beautiful child and another on the way… my thoughts are he cannot die… he cannot it cannot happen.  My next thought is of my middle son… OMG…what am I going to tell him.  They are as different as night and day…and are years apart in age…but they are close.  They work together…and Middle Child loves his niece as if she were his own…what do I tell him about his brother?  I don’t know the whole story yet, I have not yet arrived at the hospital.  I call and leave a message  on his cell phone because he does not anser the phone… “there has been an accident with your brother, we are on our way to the hospital, I will call you when I know more”…… thats safe.  Not TOO alarming…..yet factual.  We arrive at the ER and middle son’s car is parked out front… I assumed that his sister in law, has called him as well as our daughter earlier.  Our daughter in law had called to tell us where she was waiting since they had taken him to surgery.  When we get inside to the reception area and give them our sons name, one nurse takes another aside, and they speak quietly to each other, then ask us to follow to a private area.  (I gotta tell you, my heart was in my throat at that moment, why would they be taking us to a private waiting room, when that was not where our daughter in law was….unless it was the worst news?)  SIR was my rock that night….We are walked through a MAZE of hallways, and areas and finally arrived where they wanted us to wait.  I explain to the nurse that our daughter in law and grandchild are here as well….and they have been asked to wait at an alternate location.  They go and find her and the baby…and our middle child is with them….so we are all here…except the one who is in surgery….and I start hearing the story of the evening….WHAT HAPPENED.  The highlights …oldest son is drinking very heavily….with neighbors at a friends house…..  his wife goes to the store before going home…..shes bored and pregnant…and wants to put their little one down to sleep…when she arrives home she sees husband going into their home, but he’s doubled over and she sees blood on the entry way…and leading into their house.  He locks himself into the bathroom…and will not let her in.  He’s drunk enough that he thinks he can stop the bleeding.  (She has no idea yet he’s been stabbed.) She finally convinces him to open up the bathroom door, and sees bloodsoaked towels everywhere.  He will NOT let her call an ambulance (they don’t have health insurance is his reasoning) but he did say…call my brother.  I can lay down in his vehicle.  (So sweet loving middle child of mine drives across town to his brothers, half carries him to the car and drives back across town,  almost to where he lives, to the hospital.) He had massive internal injuries.  They kept him on a ventilator for a while longer than normal due to the fact that the high alcohol levels in his blood…and they really expected him not to breath on his own or to stop breathing after surgery.  He made it through surgery, ICU for days then into a room for a while longer.  He has mostly recovered.

 He finally realizes that he has a problem with alchohol, and has vowed to not drink, and wants help with that.  He has recovered enough to be back at work… and looking forward to the new baby’s arrival.  He and I have had some talks about life and how much “fun” life can be without being drunk. Ways to unwind after work fun things to do with friend that don’t involve alcohol.  (He says he can’t just stop after a few beers.) All I know is that I am thankful to have him around for a while longer.  He’s a special person, and has so much life to live and I am greatful that he’s around.  (Being angry at him the first day or so…was what fueled me…so angry  at him for being stupid…LOL….I think…. because if I was angry then he could not die.) Angry at him for being so drunk and playing with knives…. strange rationale I know, but that was my immediate reaction.  Then later the what if’s started… I was a basket case for a while there…. being TOO busy with all the work I was doing, stressing over my child as well…. I was a basket case.

So that was my life for most of March.  I am still extremely busy with work stuff for my boss, but I am trying to find time again for the things that are important.  SIR has had home cooked and served meals, and we are trying to relax and catch up on us as well. (He has been extremley busy with work too…which has made life easier in some ways, but harder in others.)

A fellow slave at our MAsT slave meeting asked how we were coping with everything, mainly she knows what kind of industry SIR and I are in, and how crazy busy we are all day long… unfortunatly for us…life becomes more vanilla in that aspect due to the fact that we are working until after 7 PM most nights and just getting supper and in bed to sleep before the next day starts all over again at 5:30…there is not much M/s stuff going on at all.  However once SIR has caught his breath on Friday evening after work, he is more inclined to be more outwardly MASTER for the weekend. Not my ideal by any means, but its our life, and at the moment, that is what works.   We were invited to an inpromptu play session after a munch a few weeks ago…after a long long day at work for both of us…I was yawning…while at the munch.  The last thing I was thinking of was play…OK not the last thing…but realistically I did not expect SIR to want to play…and I was really sleepy.  Nope…sleepy slave or not… he wanted to play.  Since we had not been planning on playing…no toys etc.  He made do with a few loaners, and his hand.  I was not a sleepy slave for long.  I was a happy well adjusted slave all weekend.  I felt like I head my head on straight for the rest of the weekend…and all the next week.  I need to discuss with SIR the NEED for that even when we have had crazy busy weeks…. it centers me, grounds me…and makes it easier to deal with all the other stuff.  Without it…well I am not the best slave I can be.  I tend to get more self centered… and not SIR centered…which bothers me….A LOT.  

So thats what has been up with mickimichele the past month.  I finally feel like I am back on a more even keel, not so easily washed overboard, by all of the chaotic and craziness that was my month of March.  (SIR and I completly forgot my birthday…if that tells you how crazy it was.) Oldest son in the hospital…and my boss remembered for me when they called me…. my husbands mother reminded him when she called his number instead of mine….LOL.  Absolute maddness for the month.  April is looking WAY better…and is over half way done.  

Once again…to all of you who wrote…. a huge heartfelf thank you for your concern…and my apology for not writting back.  I did not check mail for a very long while…then after I did, I did not even want to discuss what was going on…I felt too raw and not ready yet.  I still have not totally discussed it at length with my fellow friends in the lifestyle.  Just brief explainations as to why we were unavailable, it was just too much of a downer, and we really were soooo busy…. just keep moving forward, doing the most normal things we could.  We still hosted a munch after the worst was over…..but I was still to emotional to talk about it without being overwhelmed.  Now that it is over, I just want to move forward.  I am even able to tease him (my son)  about how it looks like an alien tried to escape out of his body….and he has the scars to prove it and they even took his belly button away…..  LOL

See I am laughing.  It sure as hell beats crying.  I’m back!

I have updated the about me page: 

I love to read, scuba dive and build things and I have found out I have a kink side a mile wide.  A few of the current books I am reading or re-reading are Master /Slave by T.N. Morley.  I am re-reading all of the J.D. Robb (aka Nora Roberts) “in death” series from start to finish, I also peruse and read erotic literature from storiesonline.net as well.  I am a scuba diver and love to watch the life under the sea. (Especially the TURTLES!)  My earliest memories are of swimming lessons at age 3 and I have loved the water ever since then, whether it is swimming pool, hot tub, lake or ocean. (Maybe it’s because I am a Pisces?)  The latest building project completed was cross between a covered porch and a gazebo.  It was built so we would have somewhere to hang out in the hammock so that we could enjoy it in the snow or rain. The structure is large enough to hold the entire patio set (sans hammock because it would be in the way) or the outdoor furniture. (Did I mention that we have also built a deck out from the house, that connects to a lower deck and the hot tub and when finished next summer it will sport an outdoor kitchen and wood burning fireplace. I am married to a wonderful man and I have 3 wonderful children. (They are almost all grown and gone now, just one remains at home.) 

 UPDATE 3/5/08:

I have been reading Slavecraft by Guy Baldwin.  I finished all of the Laurell K. Hamilton  - Anita Blake stories that I started last month (All 15 of them)…now I have to wait until she writes more  .   I love vampire and werewolf stories, and these even had some BDSM mixed in as well.  I love good characters, and Laurel writes great characters.  I am now reading her Merry Gentry Series. 

SIR has been reading some amazing books as well.  The Master’s Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance by Jack Rinella.

  When I told SIR about the title of this next book I was laughing so hard I was crying…How To Get Over That Bitch And Grow Balls They Can’t Resist: The Masculine Way To Love Leave And Attract Women” by Anthony Clark & Melanie Clark. So I ordered the book at his request…NOT MINE… and he loved it.  He laughed all the way through it.  And he said he learned something about the way women think.  I guess anything that helps with understanding how we think is a good book in my opinion.

We had also had read Protocol Handbook for the Leather Slave: Theory and Practice by Robert J. Rubel.  We were fortunate to see Mr. Ruble give a couple of presentations last year at Thunder in the Mountains.  We enjoyed his seminars very much he also has a book out called  Squirms, Screams and Squirts: Going from Great Sex to Extraordinary Sex .  It is a great read as well.

Master Skip Chasey was a presenter as well at Thunder last year as well, and I know that of all of the presentations/seminars we went to the one he did made the most impact on SIR understanding what it was I was trying to get across about M/s and D/s dynamics.  I wished he had books out there to read.  There were so many people at the seminar that they ran out of hand outs.  Some of us copied them to pass them on. He needs to write…he has a wealth of knowledge to share.

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As far as the vacation front goes…SIR and I have not made any plans yet for Diving so far but we will be attending Thunder in the Mountains again this year.  That much has been planned.   The building projects have simply been abandoned until spring is here and we can work outdoors without the threat of snow.  I am SOOOOOO ready for spring.  I want to finish the outdoor fireplace, and just hang out there and read on the deck and enjoy a glass of wine with SIR, or a Turkey and Coke at the end of the day.  I have plants all ready to go to transplant as soon as the weather is warm enough.  I have honeysuckle, jackman clematis, and concord grapes to grow up the fence and create a privacy fence.  The clematis/honeysuckle that I have in the front of the house grew so beautiful last year that I wanted to duplicate it along the privacy fence in the back yard. I am not sure the grapes will fruit, but I am looking forward to the vines and leaves.  We shall see.  If they do I am going to make jelly and jam.  (If you did not already know it…I am a country girl at heart and grew up on a farm…just because I live in the city now does not mean I have forgotten all of the lessons I learned early in life…) SIR however is a true city boy…LOL  me making Jelly should be an experience for him. 

One of the things I mentioned recently in one of my sporadic post for last month was the new tattoo/redone tattoo that SIR orchestrated.  I have been lamenting the fact that I wanted to get my tattoo redone…for years now actually.  My biggest complaint was that it had faded quite a bit and it was not exactly what I had originally wanted.  The gentleman who did the tattoo made a very derogatory remark while he was doing it….he made the comment that he did not like tattooing “big girls”.  Keep in mind that at the time I must have been only a size 12 and weighed about 140….. and even when I am at my smallest of 120…I have a huge curvy round ass.  So large or small….I have an ass.  The tattoo sits at the lower part of my spine.  The “artist” took advantage of the fact that I could not see what he was doing when he did it 10 years ago and instead of delicate soft lines…he did thick ones…and he turned the tattoo so that it was placed at an angle, not straight.

Anyway…we were at supper one night and our daughter said….SOOOOO what are we doing this weekend ???….SIR said…your mother is getting a tattoo….I was floored to say the least.   But excited…. very excited.  SIR was telling me I was getting a tattoo….how awesome.  I was amazed.   

Of course darling daughter wanted to know if she could have one….lol.  We just smiled, I figured we would just yank her chain a little. We did discuss with her why she wanted one….and where..and she runs to the computer and comes back this these photos she had printed out of what she wants.  (She had already been told that when she was 18 she could pierce or tattoo anything she wanted …after she moved out.) Shes been saving ideas for a while now.

 Sir and I did discuss my tattoo issue and I wanted to know was I supposed to get anything special per his request.  He said no…but that you have been wanting to have your tattoo redone for a while now…and it was time.  (I had wanted to wait until I was smaller….LOL  I did not want a repeat of last time at all. )  I wanted to change the flower as much as possible, and do something colorful, but delicate.  There was a tattoo festival with artist from all over that weekend, and SIR and darling daughter had heard the ads on the radio and we went to it the first evening it opened, but due to the age of our daughter ws we could not let her get one there with me.  She had to be 18 at the show.  We went to a local place that I had been told good things about by others who have had their tattoos done there.  They took a look at what I currently had, and then asked what I was looking for.  The gentleman took a quick photo and then sat down at a light board and drew some ideas, and I loved it.  I made a couple of changes, and it was a done deal.  It was late at that point and daughter was scheduled to have her simple design done in a few minutes, and I made an appointment to have mine done at the festival the following day. 

So the first three photos are of the original tattoo…taken the day before I had it done, and the second two are from the reworked tattoo the day after it was done…. I love it…so does SIR.  Since it is in a location where SIR sees it more often than I do….I am very pleased with how it turned out. 

Before:

   

After:

                     

I think the tattooist did an amazing job…what do you think??

 While speaking with the tattooist who was doing darling daughters…he mentioned ultraviolet ink…in addition to regular inks they use.  That they glow under a black light, but are not colored otherwise.  I think that is something to look into.  Who knows what I might have tattooed next.

Part of a Journal Entry:

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          When I first realized that I was single as an adult (after my divorce) with a choice to make as far as whether or not I would stay single….(NOT likely long term as I like SEX too much and its like playing Russian Roulette with all the STD’s out there even if you are taking precautions.) or be in a committed relationship with someone. The logical and happiest solution for me was to find someone that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Someone that I could grow old with, someone to do fun things with like camping, and hanging out with next to a campfire.. Someone to share the joys and heartaches of raising the children with. The joy’s of being a grandparent when the time came. Someone to grow old with. Someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life talking with, laughing with and loving with. Ultimately a life partner. I have got to be the most impatient person I know. (EXCEPT when I have a book in hand and my mind is engrossed in something else.) I gave a lot of thought to what it was I wanted…I even made a list. When it was all done and I thought I had every base covered I read it and re-read it again. I carried it around for a while just in case I thought of something else I wanted to add to it. LOL I laugh now at how silly and strange it sounds but I was really serious. After YYYY (From a previous blog entry) I knew that I could not settle for anything like (my ex-husband) ever again.

        I had spent 8 ½ years married to (the EX) whom I had originally just been friends with. I wonder a lot about how different my life would have been had I not said yes when he asked me to marry him. I know truly that I was not in love with him the way I was with YYYY…but of course it took being in that relationship with YYYY after my divorce to know how night and day different those two relationships were. I remember my dear friend Karen and her husband…they were like no other couple I knew. They were in their 40’s and had been married 10+ years at that point….and acted like kids together….I did not get it. I did not understand.  They were giddy to see each other, talked all the time.  It was almost comical because he worked out of town some, and it seemed like almost every single time I would call her…. Morning, afternoon, night it did not matter if I had not talked to her in two or three days …. when I would call her I would interrupt them having SEX…I kid you not. This was before cell phones were common and when your home phone rang, you answered it. (Her hubby had a cell phone…the HUGE bag phones…..due to his job.) It got to where we had a signal for her to let me know when he had come home or was on the way home….then she would call me next…not the other way around so that I did NOT interrupt them…..LOL. She and I spent a lot of time together. She was my mentor, my role model. She could not figure out (MY EX) either. My marriage was nothing like that one.

     (Talk about envious)….. Thinking back on it now…..I had that with YYYY. There is a part of me that wishes to this day that I had not spent those 8 ½ years with (The EX). Due to what our relationship was like and the fact that when it was all said and done we did not even have a friendship left and I had NO RESPECT for him as a person.

     I knew that certain things that had bothered me immensely were his lack of drive and motivation. He refused to take control of his life, or finances or any decision really. Even something as simple as where to have dinner or what movies to watch were major choices. (Looking back at it now, I joke that he needed a DOMME in his life. He probably would have thrived in the right environment.)

     I found that with the right person ( or dynamics) that I thrived emotionally and felt truly happy being in my skin. After YYYY I knew that there was a different way to live my life. That there were relationships that were nothing like my former marriage, I just had to find the right dynamics….

      So back to my list I was carrying around. I was sitting in the Gazebo at Mom’s one afternoon and Daddy had gotten off of work early and he comes walking out to the picnic table and sits down across from me. I love talking to Daddy but I also dread talking to Daddy.

I hate to disappoint him and I don’t lie to him, so sometimes when he asks the hard questions…I cringe then answer them as honestly as I can. I never know what he is going to ask…but I know from experience he does not talk just to hear his own voice and if he is engaging me in conversation it is worth listening to. He (Daddy with a capital D) was the 1st person I think I ever learned to trust after my mom and natural father divorced. (Dear sweet younger sister of mine calls our natural father…”the sperm donor”. Due to the lack of contact he had with us after he remarried, and had a new daughter to raise.

       To her credit she is correct he has had very little if any contact with us once we were no longer useful to him. We learned that lesson early at 7 and 9. Our youngest step sister found that out the hard way after 25 years as his “daughter”. She was the new daughter once upon a time and we were the odd children out. After her mom being married to our natural father for 25 years, when she passed away unexpectedly, he was remarried, and had “adopted” the new wife’s children as his own (even though we are all grown) within a matter of weeks. Our sister, and her husband and their son who were at her mothers every single weekend because they were so close were told by my father that he had a new wife now and he needed to spend time with her and her grandchildren and that he was not her father anyway, She of course knew her natural father, but my father had raised her. And she and her mom (my step-mom) were really close and they spent so much time together doing things. My natural father was still her sons grandfather. He grew up loving to go see Poppa and Gram Ma….. how a man could just dismiss a daughter he had spent 25 years raising…and her family because his wife was gone… and he had a new wife was really beyond me, but that’s the sperm donor for ya….as my baby sister says. The hard part was watching our youngest step-sister deal with losing her mom and then the man who raised her act like an ass that way….. there is not much you can do except let her know that you are still her sister no matter how much of a jerk our natural father was. She just never had to experience it until she was grown-up and her mom was gone, where as my other sister and I had been dealing with him like that since he met her mother. That’s the father figure I had as a young girl. My mother was an alcoholic while I was growing up and my trust of her to take care of me was nil…So between the two of them, my mother (the drunk) or my natural father (who was born a selfish asshole) I did not trust anyone very much.

     Daddy was the first person who ever earned my trust and tried to make me understand myself how important trust is, and why you should not break it. I was an angry child dealing with shit from my natural parents…and have said prayers of thanks for my step-father for stepping in and being Daddy to me. Even to this day I realize how lucky I was to have had him be a part of my life. For teaching me all of the things I still to this day use. My natural father got upset once and said something about me calling my step-father Daddy…..but in my heart I knew….he was truly the only Daddy I was ever going to have. He is the one I learned the lessons I needed to from. It is his character and example I still try and follow.

     Sooooo……. When Daddy sat down and asked what I was looking at….I told him. It was my wish list. It was what I wished for in a mate. I wanted someone to be my swan mate. My one…who was just for me. I wanted to know that if I named what it was that I was looking for….it could happen. Daddy said that I was on to a good start. At least I was being pro-active instead of just falling into a relationship and assuming it would be what I wanted. He watched me fall apart and almost not make it back to me after Cory…so he knew how serious I was about what it was that I wanted. The next thing he asked me was odd…. At least I thought it odd. He asked me…what are you going to do to have that wish list come true….?

     What was I going to do? HUH?? What answer was he looking for?? “Date??????”    I said, “No…wrong answer”….he said. “Daddy” I asked….. “I know we have spent a lot of time doing puzzles and logic questions…but I don’t know what answer I am supposed to give.” “ I can’t even begin to think of the right way to answer this question.” I told him. He told me this….he said to me “darlin’, you are going to do the hardest thing you have ever done in your life. You are going to have to have FAITH.” Faith that if you follow your heart and you don’t waiver that it will come to pass. Did I ever tell you what a smart man I think my Daddy is?

     I thought long and hard about what he said, and I realized that what he said had validity. I would have to learn how to have faith. Faith in myself that I had been honest with myself about what was on that list. That if it was important enough for me to put on the list, then I needed to stick to it and not settle for anything less that that. . Faith enough to be PATIENT…. LOL Yes I know….I am the most impatient person you have ever met…. Faith in the universe, and God and Good Karma and the belief that I deserved to have a life mate that was all of the things that I had listed….

     When I was single…and waiting for Mr. Right (SIR)  and I had my longbow made…and the builder asked me if I wanted any special artwork or symbol on the bow before he signed it and finished it…I thought about it and told him YES I do. That was when I drew the family…two adults with the three kids…and wrote the words….Faith, Hope, Wishes and Dreams….I was practicing my Faith then. I had discovered a true love of archery and bow hunting with YYYY. Even though he was no longer in my life I was not going to let that stop me from doing what I loved. It was scary by myself hunting the first time without him there…doing some of it on my own. It was also empowering. It was not about him…it was about me. Doing something I loved. Later I had other friends to hunt with…. It all worked out ok.

               Faith…the belief in things yet unseen.

     The dictionary definition:

(1): firm belief in something for which there is no proof

(2): complete trust

(3): something that is believed especially with strong conviction;

     I think I need to go back to my original talk with Daddy, with the new understanding I have of why I was looking for certain things in a mate…I have to have faith that even though things are not now as I would have them be…that I can be patient and have FAITH that they will be. That the belief I have in it happening is part of the key. Remembering that I did not find you right away it was years. It took being patient. It took faith even when you walked away the first time. Even more so then I think because by then I was already in love with you, and knew what it was that I was letting go. Even in the midst of it, thinking to myself…well it sure did not feel like he was the wrong one, but I have to have faith that it will be OK no matter what. In the end, you made the choice to ask me into your life. Me and the kids. This road we are on is harder for me in some ways…and easier in others. I think I just need to keep reminding myself that I really do believe… (in you, and in US) and keep remembering that is that belief, the FAITH that will keep me going.